Moving on! This has been one of those weeks for me. I've finally hit the wall when it comes to "trying". So I'm going to be honest with you. I'm so sick of trying to have a baby. There. I said it. It sounds awful, but bear with me....
This was supposed to be a fun time for us. Baby making involves lots of "you know what" and excitement for what the future will hold. It's something that I have looked forward to my entire life. Being a mom was really the only "career" I ever wanted for myself so when we decided it was time to start our family I was so full of joy about that part of my life finally happening. Unfortunately for us this baby making experience has slowly become more and more like a constant rain cloud. We lost our first pregnancy back in August. This was the hardest thing both of us have ever gone through. We were hopeful that since we were able to get pregnant so quickly the first time (within 3 months) that a second pregnancy would come just as fast. Sadly my body has had other plans. I haven't ovulated since the miscarriage. It is extremely rare according to my doctor considering I had no problems before the pregnancy and no history of irregular cycles. There is really no explanation for why this is happening. So with problems comes the long line of processes to try to diagnose and fix the issues. That involves constant monitering of my cycles, daily ovulation tests, and this month even hormone medication to try to induce a regular cycle again.
Frankly, I'm over it! Bottom line... I don't understand why this is happening, but I know God does. I would love to do everything I can to fix the problem, but really..... what's the point? I know that if it is His will then God will give us a child in His timing no matter what medications I take or how many doctors tell me it's not going to happen. I'm just at the point where I want my life back. I don't want to spend every day thinking about it. I want to enjoy this time in my life with my husband. I just don't want to look back and think "Why did I worry so much and spend so much of my time focusing on that when God knew the entire time?". Are you with me? Does that make sense?
So all that to say this... I'm letting go. I have been trusting God the entire time, but I'm at the point where I'm just ready to let Him take total control. If that means He chooses not to make us parents then I'm ok with it. He has guided my life for so long... how can I know not trust that He knows exactly what He's doing? Look at how blessed I already am! I have the most amazing husband who is the PERFECT match for me. Only God would have picked him out for me. He's nothing like I would have imagined for myself. He's so much more.
Wow... this is deep. I hope I don't lose all my readers after today! LOL. I'm not trying to be a downer. I'm just telling you how it is. Sometimes a girls gotta be real! Thank you for listening... I promise I'll keep the serious talk in the closet for at least the rest of this month. You guys are the best!
Hannah! This has been a blessing for me to read, not because I am at your stage of the game, but that I struggle so.much with getting my husband to even START trying. It is really hard when you want something so bad you can taste it. You really do have to trust that the Lord knows what He is doing and go for His plans and not our own. I will be praying for you that your dream will come true. And you know what they say, sonetimes when you stop worrying about something so much, good.things begin to happen! Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this post, Hannah. I am sorry that you are going through this. I won't even try to pretend that I fully understand what you are going through, but I do know what it is like to constantly think/worry about having a baby. You have the right attitude about enjoying your days with your husband. I wish I had worried less and trusted God more over the 8 months it took us to have a baby (I know that's not long for some, but it felt like an eternity to me). I feel like I wasted too many days thinking about my selfish plans. It's a constant battle to learn to trust. God ended up giving us a baby at the perfect time for us.
ReplyDeleteI understand where your coming from. It's hard to carry on with life, when your in this shape. I've been at the point, where I felt what's the use. Not where we want to be, but just where we ended up.hang in there.
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