Learning Through Loss

Today’s post is going to be longer than normal, but please bear with me. This comes from my heart and everything I am sharing today is important. I promise it will be worth your time.

It’s a common occurrence according to the statistics. 25% of all pregnancies will result in this. There are about 4.4 million confirmed pregnancies in the USA alone every year. That means about 1 million of those pregnancies will end this way…. EVERY YEAR. So did it cross my mind before it happened? Definitely. Did that better prepare me for it to happen? Mentally… yes. Emotionally… not in the least.

MISCARRIAGE. It almost sounds like a dirty word doesn’t it? No one wants to say it or think about it happening. But it does. This isn’t something I ever wanted to have to talk about. I still don’t. But I feel compelled. I hope that through doing so that I can help someone else.

Darren and I had been trying to conceive for a couple months. At the end of July, I started to have the feeling that I was pregnant, and on August 8, 2012 we saw the 2 pink lines we’d been waiting and praying for. I took the test in the middle of the night because I had to go to the bathroom. I was so excited that I ran into the bedroom crying and woke Darren up to tell him. He thought something was wrong because I was acting so crazy, but once he figured out what I was saying he was equally happy. I couldn’t wait to tell EVERYONE we knew, but I was only 6 weeks along and I had always told myself that I would wait until after the first trimester to tell the whole world….. “just in case” something were to happen. We called our family though and told them. Both sets of parents were going to be first time grandparents. Both were ecstatic. That was on Wednesday.

On Saturday, I was getting ready to leave the house to go to a wedding. It was a beautiful day. I went to the bank that morning and spilled the beans to a very pregnant teller. I just couldn’t help it. Not an hour later, I started to bleed. I was scared, but I hoped it was nothing. This can be totally normal during early pregnancy. I felt horrible, but I went to the wedding and tried to forget what was happening. I hoped it would just stop.

It didn’t though. On Sunday, August 12, 2012, we lost our baby. For the first couple of days I was in shock. I didn’t cry much and I didn’t really feel anything except numbness. It really started to sink in a couple days after it happened. When I did start to feel emotion it was the worst kind. It was just emptiness. Darren doesn’t express himself much, but he told me that he felt like he went from the happiest he has ever been to the saddest he has ever been. He said he felt like there was a big hole in the middle of his stomach. Those are both pretty accurate descriptions.

I will never know why this happened. Why do bad things ever happen to good people? It doesn’t make sense and it’s not fair. How can some people have children with no problems and others are unable to or suffer a loss? I could ask this question till the end of time and I would never get an answer. Life doesn’t work that way. We don’t always understand. What we CAN do is try to learn from our situations and let them make us stronger. I want to share what I have learned from this so far.

Trust God. That is really all you can do in a situation like this. You just have to trust that there was a reason that it happened. Maybe by going through this, I will be able to help someone else someday. I really don’t know… but I just have to trust that He let me go through this for a reason.

It is an honor and a privilege to be blessed enough to conceive and bear children. I already knew this before my miscarriage, but I realize it even more now. So many people take for granted that they are able to have children. They complain the entire time they are pregnant, they complain after the baby is born about not getting enough sleep, they complain when the terrible two’s arrive, etc... What they don’t realize is that there are probably thousands and thousands of women that would do anything to be able to get morning sickness and throw up. I’m serious! It’s so true. When I lost my baby that was something that really hit me hard. The nausea disappeared. It reinforced it in my mind that the baby was gone. I would have done anything for the sick to my stomach feeling to come back. Don’t ever take that for granted.

Good friends and family are invaluable. I would not be doing as well as I am right now if it weren’t for the people that Darren and I have surrounded ourselves with. Our families have been very sweet during this time. My brother was especially worried for me….. he kept calling and texting me to make sure I was ok. There was nothing he could do to make it better, but it was so good to know that he was there for me. I am so glad that we have the friends and family that we do and that they have been so supportive during this time.

You have to choose to let things make you a better person. I could be bitter, angry, and hateful right now. I have every right to be. But that’s not going to help. So I have chosen to let this mold me into someone stronger and wiser than I was before it happened. Yes, I’m still extremely sad. I will be sad for a long time. But I am determined to use that sadness to make me a more compassionate person. Don’t let a bad thing that you couldn’t prevent ruin the rest of your life. Let it teach you something and grow from it.  

My prayer is that none of you ever have to go through this situation, however we all know that the odds are against that and even if you don’t experience this particular scenario you are going to face some sort of obstacle similar to this at some point in your life. Please don’t let it make you bitter or angry or stop trusting God.

So yes, I have and am learning from this trial; however I am still experiencing my ups and downs. One day I’ll be living every word of the advice above and the next I’ll be moping on the couch all day with a carton of Mint Chocolate Brownie Chunk ice cream. The pain is still there and I am reminded of my loss every day. Nothing anyone can say or do will make it better. I just have to choose to remind myself again and again that God has a plan.

I hope that my candor about this situation will encourage or help you in some way. I felt moved to share my story and I know it was for a reason. Darren and I appreciate all of your prayers that we can make it through this and that God will bless us with another baby someday. We are trusting that He will. Love you all!

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PS –

Just thought I would include this little bit in case you are wondering what you can do or say for someone experiencing a miscarriage. Here are some quick Do’s and Don’ts:

DO:

Do say “I’m so sorry”. That is really the only thing that will help.

Do say “I’m here if you want to talk” (and mean it).

Do say “Are you doing ok?” (and listen for the answer).

Most importantly, do pray for them.

DON’T:

Don’t say “At least you didn’t lose a ‘real’ kid” (meaning later in the child’s life). That doesn’t help. You think I’m kidding? Someone actually said that to Darren.

Don’t say “My friend had a miscarriage once…. she never was able to have kids after that”. I know you are trying to relate to the situation, but please relate inside your head and not to me.

Don’t say “Don’t worry you’ll get pregnant again and everything will be fine”. That is what we are hoping for, but you don’t know that it will happen.

Don’t say “I understand” if you haven’t gone through it.

In other words…. don’t say whatever pops into your head. Think before you speak.