It's been soooo long since I posted... I know. And I keep saying "I'm going to start blogging again!", but you have seen how that's been going. LOL! Until I am finally able to really start posting again, I wanted to give a quick update about our lives because I truly intend to get back to consistently posting soon!!

If you don't follow me on Instagram or know me personally, here's a very condensed version of the past two years. Obviously you all know that I have always wanted lots of kids... and the quicker the better, but God's plan was different for us. After all we went through to have Kate we figured we'd just start trying for another baby basically as soon as she was born. Kate was a huge fan of breastfeeding to the point that it ended up being it's own natural birth control. Once she finally started eating solids, I had a couple sporadic cycles and to our surprise (given everything we did to conceive Katie) we found out we were expecting in April of 2016. We were so excited that it happened all on it's own without endless doctor visits, ultrasounds, medications, etc. Then I started spotting two days before I hit the 12 week mark. We were scheduled for our first ultrasound that week and I was spotting so lightly that we weren't really concerned about it. Darren and I were giddy with excitement as they started the ultrasound, but quickly turned solemn as we watched the tech struggle to find a heartbeat. She told us she saw not just one, but two babies, but that there were no heartbeats. We were shocked. Our first two miscarriages were at 6 weeks so we weren't expecting it to happen this late. It hit us hard, but despite how devastated we were, that maternal desire for more children drove me to want to keep trying despite the extreme emotional and physical pain it might cause.

So we tried again. And a few months later, somehow my body said "OK!" and I got pregnant. No medication - just lots of love. The way it's supposed to be. We were wary at first, but as the weeks went on we started to hope. Then, just like the last pregnancy, we lost our fifth angel baby right at 12 weeks. We started to think there was an underlying issue and our doctors agreed. So ensued loads of blood work for me, genetic testing for both of us, etc. Everything came back normal until an ultrasound showed a large uterine polyp. My doctor couldn't say for sure if that had caused our last two miscarriages, but I needed surgery to remove it regardless. I had the surgery in January of 2017. 

In February, a month after my surgery, I got a positive pregnancy test. We held our breath for every milestone. We passed the 6 week mark, when we lost our first two pregnancies. At 8 weeks we got to see our miracle for the first time. My doctors completely understood how fearful we were and offered to let me come in for weekly doppler checks at that point. It helped keep the worry *somewhat* at bay. Weeks 11-13 were the scariest for me. At one point around 12 weeks, I had myself convinced that something was wrong and rushed into the doctor's office. They brought in the handheld ultrasound and there he was (yes, HE!) kicking and flipping all over the place! 

Fast forward to today. I'm currently 27 1/2 weeks pregnant! Things have been going great. Other than combating loads of worry during the first trimester, it's really been a wonderful pregnancy so far. You guys have no idea how thankful and blessed we feel. We know we are some of "the lucky ones" on this journey of infertility and miscarriage. Never for a second do we take our two miracle babies for granted!!

These are some of the photos that we had taken last month by Tyler White Photography, who is a friend I have known since Jr. High, but also happens to be a phenomenal photographer. If you are anywhere near the Bloomington or Indianapolis, IN area, I highly recommend you use Tyler and his wife, Casey, for your photography needs! They are the sweetest and so incredibly good at what they do. 

If you're still following along with the blog, I would love to hear from you! Let me know what kind of things you'd like to see here in the future. I appreciate any and all feedback from my readers. Thanks for hanging with me through this lengthy post! I'm really hoping that this will be the restart of a wonderful new blogging journey for me. xoxo, Hannah

Thoughts of a Survivor During Pregnancy After Infertility

To the ones who are still waiting, hoping, and praying for their miracle... this is for you.

Believe it or not, "survivor's guilt" (for lack of a better description) is a real thing during pregnancy after infertility. At least it has been for me. Maybe I feel it more than most because I've been so open about my journey and as a result have come into contact with thousands of women who are waiting day after day for a miracle. Maybe it's because infertility changes you in a way that just can't be forgotten. Maybe it's even the occasional thought that someone else deserves a baby even more than I do. I mean... why have I been blessed with the gift of pregnancy while so many other amazing women are still waiting, praying, and begging God for their wombs to be filled?
Regardless of the why... the thought that I am one of the lucky ones has been something I've struggled with. Please don't get me wrong... I am thankful beyond belief to finally be carrying a healthy baby! I wouldn't trade it for anything. I am enjoying every minute of being pregnant and thank God often (but not nearly enough) for the precious life that is growing inside me.
The whole point of this post is so that the women out there that are still in the thick of fighting their battle with infertility know that you haven't been forgotten. I have thought of you every day since I got my good news. I still pray for you and I still feel your pain. You're not alone in your journey and you still have a voice on this blog. I know that you're happy for me, but that you're sad for you. And that's ok. I understand, because I've been there. I remember how it feels and I haven't forgotten that sting.
I feel so happy and blessed that I have been given the incredible opportunity to carry a life inside me... I truly hope that every one of you will be able to feel this same joy one day. Until then, I will weep with you, I will pray for you, and I will remember your pain.
xoxo,  

In Everything Give Thanks

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>>> If you are new to Lovely Little Life and haven't read my story you may want to start HERE to get a little background on me and my journey before reading this post. <<<
To all my readers, 
The same is true of this post as is always when I talk about infertility. I have chosen to share this part of my life not to complain or gain pity, but rather as an attempt to be an encouragement to others who may be going through something similar or for that matter anyone going through trials. My ultimate goal is just to give the glory to God, and try let him use me during this time of testing. Thank you so much for visiting! I sincerely pray this blog is a blessing to everyone who reads it!
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The Sunday before this past Thanksgiving our pastor opened the Bible to I Thessalonians 5:18. It's a verse I've heard at least a hundred times... it says "In everything give thanks." Our pastor started to talk about how the everything in this verse literally means everything... including trials & hardships in our lives. I had been going through the worst trial of my life for the last 16 months, and by God's grace I had finally made it to the point where I was thankful for it. Every word he said made sense to me. I was at peace with the fact that my life was going nothing like I planned, but that God was in control. During the invitation I bowed and prayed this prayer. "God, thank you for the past year and a half. I know you're in control and that you're doing what's best for me. No matter what happens I am going to be thankful. Whether you give us a baby or not, I will trust you." The next part of my prayer was even more specific. "God, if I am pregnant right now please take care of my baby. Please let me carry it full term. Please don't let me lose it, but God, if I AM pregnant and I DO lose the baby I'll still be thankful." I stood up, dried my eyes, and felt at peace. 
The next morning, I took a pregnancy test before leaving to spend a week in Virginia with my family for Thanksgiving. Neither Darren or I expected it to be positive. Since my periods are so sporadic I take pregnancy tests often... they are always negative. Except this test wasn't. I was pregnant!
There are no words to describe the feelings that followed that moment. The joy in my heart and gratitude I felt towards God consumed me. We immediately got on our knees and tearfully thanked Him for the life inside me and prayed that He would keep it safe. After we prayed, I had total peace and felt like God had finally blessed us for being faithful to Him during this time in our lives. My husband was struggling... he was worried about the baby. I kept pushing him to trust the Lord. I kept telling him that God had given us this baby and that He would take care of it.
We shared the news with my family once we made it to Virginia. There were tears of happiness... everyone was overjoyed! Darren bought a video camera on Black Friday to give to me at Christmas, but ended up giving it to me early so we could have it at the first ultrasound. When we got back to Indiana we used it to film his parents as we told them the news. That Sunday (the weekend after Thanksgiving) we shared our blessing with our pastor and asked him to pray with us. After talking with him Darren was able to let go of a lot of his worry and was at peace. We were both so in love with our baby... our hearts were full. 
And then like that our world changed... again. Sunday night I started to bleed. I had been here before. I knew it was over. 
I'm not going to try to describe what happened after that. Most will never be able to understand the grief we felt in that moment. It had been 16 months since our last pregnancy/miscarriage. We had given so much to create that little life. We had spent thousands of dollars on treatment, I had put my body through all sorts of medical procedures, we had sent up countless prayers, and had finally come to peace with it all. It was worth every penny, every tear, and every ounce of pain knowing we would finally hold a baby in our arms. And then... this??? 

Within hours of realizing our baby was gone, I remembered the prayer I prayed exactly a week before. You know... the one where I asked God to keep our baby safe, but that even if we lost it I would still be thankful? Yeah... that one. When I prayed that prayer, I thought I understood what it meant to be thankful in everything. I thought that message was meant for the trial that I was in at the time. I had no idea it was meant for this. I had no idea how much would happen in that week. But God did. He knew what I would need to get me through.
Looking back on the past month and a half, I'm thankful for His never ending grace. I'm thankful that no matter how bad it hurts, He won't let me be angry, He won't let me forget what I prayed, and He won't let me give up. There is nothing that can replace the trust I have in Him or the peace He has given me throughout the last year & a half. I don't understand why, and I'm not really ok, but I don't have to do this alone. For THAT I am thankful. 

Learning Through Loss

Today’s post is going to be longer than normal, but please bear with me. This comes from my heart and everything I am sharing today is important. I promise it will be worth your time.

It’s a common occurrence according to the statistics. 25% of all pregnancies will result in this. There are about 4.4 million confirmed pregnancies in the USA alone every year. That means about 1 million of those pregnancies will end this way…. EVERY YEAR. So did it cross my mind before it happened? Definitely. Did that better prepare me for it to happen? Mentally… yes. Emotionally… not in the least.

MISCARRIAGE. It almost sounds like a dirty word doesn’t it? No one wants to say it or think about it happening. But it does. This isn’t something I ever wanted to have to talk about. I still don’t. But I feel compelled. I hope that through doing so that I can help someone else.

Darren and I had been trying to conceive for a couple months. At the end of July, I started to have the feeling that I was pregnant, and on August 8, 2012 we saw the 2 pink lines we’d been waiting and praying for. I took the test in the middle of the night because I had to go to the bathroom. I was so excited that I ran into the bedroom crying and woke Darren up to tell him. He thought something was wrong because I was acting so crazy, but once he figured out what I was saying he was equally happy. I couldn’t wait to tell EVERYONE we knew, but I was only 6 weeks along and I had always told myself that I would wait until after the first trimester to tell the whole world….. “just in case” something were to happen. We called our family though and told them. Both sets of parents were going to be first time grandparents. Both were ecstatic. That was on Wednesday.

On Saturday, I was getting ready to leave the house to go to a wedding. It was a beautiful day. I went to the bank that morning and spilled the beans to a very pregnant teller. I just couldn’t help it. Not an hour later, I started to bleed. I was scared, but I hoped it was nothing. This can be totally normal during early pregnancy. I felt horrible, but I went to the wedding and tried to forget what was happening. I hoped it would just stop.

It didn’t though. On Sunday, August 12, 2012, we lost our baby. For the first couple of days I was in shock. I didn’t cry much and I didn’t really feel anything except numbness. It really started to sink in a couple days after it happened. When I did start to feel emotion it was the worst kind. It was just emptiness. Darren doesn’t express himself much, but he told me that he felt like he went from the happiest he has ever been to the saddest he has ever been. He said he felt like there was a big hole in the middle of his stomach. Those are both pretty accurate descriptions.

I will never know why this happened. Why do bad things ever happen to good people? It doesn’t make sense and it’s not fair. How can some people have children with no problems and others are unable to or suffer a loss? I could ask this question till the end of time and I would never get an answer. Life doesn’t work that way. We don’t always understand. What we CAN do is try to learn from our situations and let them make us stronger. I want to share what I have learned from this so far.

Trust God. That is really all you can do in a situation like this. You just have to trust that there was a reason that it happened. Maybe by going through this, I will be able to help someone else someday. I really don’t know… but I just have to trust that He let me go through this for a reason.

It is an honor and a privilege to be blessed enough to conceive and bear children. I already knew this before my miscarriage, but I realize it even more now. So many people take for granted that they are able to have children. They complain the entire time they are pregnant, they complain after the baby is born about not getting enough sleep, they complain when the terrible two’s arrive, etc... What they don’t realize is that there are probably thousands and thousands of women that would do anything to be able to get morning sickness and throw up. I’m serious! It’s so true. When I lost my baby that was something that really hit me hard. The nausea disappeared. It reinforced it in my mind that the baby was gone. I would have done anything for the sick to my stomach feeling to come back. Don’t ever take that for granted.

Good friends and family are invaluable. I would not be doing as well as I am right now if it weren’t for the people that Darren and I have surrounded ourselves with. Our families have been very sweet during this time. My brother was especially worried for me….. he kept calling and texting me to make sure I was ok. There was nothing he could do to make it better, but it was so good to know that he was there for me. I am so glad that we have the friends and family that we do and that they have been so supportive during this time.

You have to choose to let things make you a better person. I could be bitter, angry, and hateful right now. I have every right to be. But that’s not going to help. So I have chosen to let this mold me into someone stronger and wiser than I was before it happened. Yes, I’m still extremely sad. I will be sad for a long time. But I am determined to use that sadness to make me a more compassionate person. Don’t let a bad thing that you couldn’t prevent ruin the rest of your life. Let it teach you something and grow from it.  

My prayer is that none of you ever have to go through this situation, however we all know that the odds are against that and even if you don’t experience this particular scenario you are going to face some sort of obstacle similar to this at some point in your life. Please don’t let it make you bitter or angry or stop trusting God.

So yes, I have and am learning from this trial; however I am still experiencing my ups and downs. One day I’ll be living every word of the advice above and the next I’ll be moping on the couch all day with a carton of Mint Chocolate Brownie Chunk ice cream. The pain is still there and I am reminded of my loss every day. Nothing anyone can say or do will make it better. I just have to choose to remind myself again and again that God has a plan.

I hope that my candor about this situation will encourage or help you in some way. I felt moved to share my story and I know it was for a reason. Darren and I appreciate all of your prayers that we can make it through this and that God will bless us with another baby someday. We are trusting that He will. Love you all!

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PS –

Just thought I would include this little bit in case you are wondering what you can do or say for someone experiencing a miscarriage. Here are some quick Do’s and Don’ts:

DO:

Do say “I’m so sorry”. That is really the only thing that will help.

Do say “I’m here if you want to talk” (and mean it).

Do say “Are you doing ok?” (and listen for the answer).

Most importantly, do pray for them.

DON’T:

Don’t say “At least you didn’t lose a ‘real’ kid” (meaning later in the child’s life). That doesn’t help. You think I’m kidding? Someone actually said that to Darren.

Don’t say “My friend had a miscarriage once…. she never was able to have kids after that”. I know you are trying to relate to the situation, but please relate inside your head and not to me.

Don’t say “Don’t worry you’ll get pregnant again and everything will be fine”. That is what we are hoping for, but you don’t know that it will happen.

Don’t say “I understand” if you haven’t gone through it.

In other words…. don’t say whatever pops into your head. Think before you speak.