To the ones who are still waiting, hoping, and praying for their miracle... this is for you.

Believe it or not, "survivor's guilt" (for lack of a better description) is a real thing during pregnancy after infertility. At least it has been for me. Maybe I feel it more than most because I've been so open about my journey and as a result have come into contact with thousands of women who are waiting day after day for a miracle. Maybe it's because infertility changes you in a way that just can't be forgotten. Maybe it's even the occasional thought that someone else deserves a baby even more than I do. I mean... why have I been blessed with the gift of pregnancy while so many other amazing women are still waiting, praying, and begging God for their wombs to be filled?
Regardless of the why... the thought that I am one of the lucky ones has been something I've struggled with. Please don't get me wrong... I am thankful beyond belief to finally be carrying a healthy baby! I wouldn't trade it for anything. I am enjoying every minute of being pregnant and thank God often (but not nearly enough) for the precious life that is growing inside me.
The whole point of this post is so that the women out there that are still in the thick of fighting their battle with infertility know that you haven't been forgotten. I have thought of you every day since I got my good news. I still pray for you and I still feel your pain. You're not alone in your journey and you still have a voice on this blog. I know that you're happy for me, but that you're sad for you. And that's ok. I understand, because I've been there. I remember how it feels and I haven't forgotten that sting.
I feel so happy and blessed that I have been given the incredible opportunity to carry a life inside me... I truly hope that every one of you will be able to feel this same joy one day. Until then, I will weep with you, I will pray for you, and I will remember your pain.
xoxo,  

In Everything Give Thanks

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>>> If you are new to Lovely Little Life and haven't read my story you may want to start HERE to get a little background on me and my journey before reading this post. <<<
To all my readers, 
The same is true of this post as is always when I talk about infertility. I have chosen to share this part of my life not to complain or gain pity, but rather as an attempt to be an encouragement to others who may be going through something similar or for that matter anyone going through trials. My ultimate goal is just to give the glory to God, and try let him use me during this time of testing. Thank you so much for visiting! I sincerely pray this blog is a blessing to everyone who reads it!
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The Sunday before this past Thanksgiving our pastor opened the Bible to I Thessalonians 5:18. It's a verse I've heard at least a hundred times... it says "In everything give thanks." Our pastor started to talk about how the everything in this verse literally means everything... including trials & hardships in our lives. I had been going through the worst trial of my life for the last 16 months, and by God's grace I had finally made it to the point where I was thankful for it. Every word he said made sense to me. I was at peace with the fact that my life was going nothing like I planned, but that God was in control. During the invitation I bowed and prayed this prayer. "God, thank you for the past year and a half. I know you're in control and that you're doing what's best for me. No matter what happens I am going to be thankful. Whether you give us a baby or not, I will trust you." The next part of my prayer was even more specific. "God, if I am pregnant right now please take care of my baby. Please let me carry it full term. Please don't let me lose it, but God, if I AM pregnant and I DO lose the baby I'll still be thankful." I stood up, dried my eyes, and felt at peace. 
The next morning, I took a pregnancy test before leaving to spend a week in Virginia with my family for Thanksgiving. Neither Darren or I expected it to be positive. Since my periods are so sporadic I take pregnancy tests often... they are always negative. Except this test wasn't. I was pregnant!
There are no words to describe the feelings that followed that moment. The joy in my heart and gratitude I felt towards God consumed me. We immediately got on our knees and tearfully thanked Him for the life inside me and prayed that He would keep it safe. After we prayed, I had total peace and felt like God had finally blessed us for being faithful to Him during this time in our lives. My husband was struggling... he was worried about the baby. I kept pushing him to trust the Lord. I kept telling him that God had given us this baby and that He would take care of it.
We shared the news with my family once we made it to Virginia. There were tears of happiness... everyone was overjoyed! Darren bought a video camera on Black Friday to give to me at Christmas, but ended up giving it to me early so we could have it at the first ultrasound. When we got back to Indiana we used it to film his parents as we told them the news. That Sunday (the weekend after Thanksgiving) we shared our blessing with our pastor and asked him to pray with us. After talking with him Darren was able to let go of a lot of his worry and was at peace. We were both so in love with our baby... our hearts were full. 
And then like that our world changed... again. Sunday night I started to bleed. I had been here before. I knew it was over. 
I'm not going to try to describe what happened after that. Most will never be able to understand the grief we felt in that moment. It had been 16 months since our last pregnancy/miscarriage. We had given so much to create that little life. We had spent thousands of dollars on treatment, I had put my body through all sorts of medical procedures, we had sent up countless prayers, and had finally come to peace with it all. It was worth every penny, every tear, and every ounce of pain knowing we would finally hold a baby in our arms. And then... this??? 

Within hours of realizing our baby was gone, I remembered the prayer I prayed exactly a week before. You know... the one where I asked God to keep our baby safe, but that even if we lost it I would still be thankful? Yeah... that one. When I prayed that prayer, I thought I understood what it meant to be thankful in everything. I thought that message was meant for the trial that I was in at the time. I had no idea it was meant for this. I had no idea how much would happen in that week. But God did. He knew what I would need to get me through.
Looking back on the past month and a half, I'm thankful for His never ending grace. I'm thankful that no matter how bad it hurts, He won't let me be angry, He won't let me forget what I prayed, and He won't let me give up. There is nothing that can replace the trust I have in Him or the peace He has given me throughout the last year & a half. I don't understand why, and I'm not really ok, but I don't have to do this alone. For THAT I am thankful. 

7 Ways to Make Lemonade out of the Lemon of Infertility

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>>> If you are new to Lovely Little Life and haven't read my story you may want to start HERE and HERE to get a little background on me and my journey before reading this post. <<<
To all my readers, 
The same is true of this post as is always when I talk about infertility. I have chosen to share this part of my life not to complain or gain pity, but rather as an attempt to be an encouragement to others who may be going through something similar or for that matter anyone going through trials. My ultimate goal is just to give the glory to God, and try let him use me during this time of testing. Thank you so much for visiting! I sincerely pray this blog is a blessing to everyone who reads it!
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Since writing THIS post back in July of this year entitled "9 Things Infertile Women Want Women With Children To Know" I have received hundreds of comments and emails from women affected by infertility from around the world. It greatly saddens me that there are so many women that know the pain that infertility brings, but I'm thankful that God has given me to opportunity to be a blessing to others during this trial. Which brings me to today’s post...

Making lemonade. This topic has been on my heart a lot recently. Infertility is a lemon. I big fat bitter one. It is so hard to imagine that anything good could come from such a painful time in our lives, but I sincerely believe that the good is there. We just have to look for it. Let me share a few of the ways I think we can make lemonade out of the lemon of infertility. 

Wait... before I start I just want to say that this post is meant for myself just as much if not more than it is meant for whomever reads it. I absolutely do NOT have it all figured out and I am by no means trying to "preach" my message. Just like you, it is a daily struggle for me to focus on the positive side of infertility. However, one thing that I've learned during this trial is that unless I zone in on the positives and focus on the blessings that God has given me versus the very few things that He hasn't then I am miserable. The only way I have personally been able find peace is to trust that He has a reason for all of this and to believe that I will be stronger for it. I love you ladies and just want to be an encouragement. I hope you know that. So here we go...

1.) Get better not bitter.

Bitterness is probably the thing I have struggled with the most when it comes to infertility. It is so easy to let those thoughts creep into my mind... you know what I'm talking about. "Why is God doing this to me? Why would God give that lady a child when she doesn't even want it or isn't going to be a good mom? It's not fair that so-and-so gets pregnant without even trying and we have had to spend thousands of dollars and still have nothing to show for it." The more I let these thoughts run rampant the more angry and bitter I feel. Towards God, towards other women, towards people that don't understand what I'm going through, etc.

We have to make the choice to stop these thoughts and to focus our energy elsewhere. Instead we have to trust that God knew we could handle this and that He has a plan to make us better through this trial. He is trying to teach us, but if we are too busy being bitter He can't. Ladies, I am totally talking to myself on this one. I know this is HARD... but with God all things are possible. We can do it. Get better not bitter. You'll be thankful you did.

2.)  Use infertility to strengthen your marriage.

Anyone who has gone through infertility knows that it can take a major toll on a marriage. It is a frustrating, heartbreaking, and emotional trial that can tear apart a relationship if you let it. Or it can make your bond even stronger. So strong that you can face anything together. How amazing would it be to walk out of the other side of this trial and still be holding hands? How good would it feel to know you're relationship is forever stronger because you stuck beside each other during the darkest times? I'd say that lemonade would taste pretty darn good.

3.) Be a blessing to tired mamas.

There aren't many things that make me happier than cuddly babies, adorable toddlers, and energetic kids! One of my friends recently suggested to me that I should use that love of children to be a help to mamas who may need a kid free moment every once in a while. I'm not sure how I didn't think of it myself, but I'm really happy she wasn't afraid to suggest it! I think it is a fabulous idea and it's a win/win for everyone. I get my baby fix and the mamas get some much needed "me" time! I realize that not all of you are in a place emotionally that you can do this, but if you are then I say go for it! My husband and I have decided to do this as a couple... our first "gig" is this weekend. We couldn't be more excited and the parents couldn't be more pumped about the free babysitting! :)

4.) All those things you won't be able to do once you have kids... do them NOW!

This one sounds like a no-brainer, but I constantly have to remind myself of it. I tend to focus so much on the next phase in life that I forget to enjoy the part where it's just the two of us. Even as I type this I'm feeling like I should stop writing this post and go plan that trip to Vegas we always talk about. YOLO, right?! :) Just make it your goal to be able to look back in 20 years and think "Wow, that was a really hard time, but we had a lot of fun and made some great memories while it was just the two of us!".

5.) Learn to be patient and content.

Patience and contentment are two things I never had before infertility! I am so thankful that I'm finally learning these qualities. They go hand in hand with that perfect peace and true happiness that is mentioned in Isaiah 26:3. Patience and contentment will help you be a better wife, a better friend, and someday a better mama. Learning these lessons might taste like a bitter lemon now, but I promise they'll produce a lifetime of the sweetest lemonade you've ever had!

6.) Use this time to prepare for the future.

The plus side of seemingly being the last one to start a family? You have more time to plan, observe, and save! That baby WILL eventually be here (whether it be through conception or adoption), and when that day comes you'll probably wish you had more time to prepare! Take advantage of this season of life to gain wisdom, set financial goals, and prepare for that day when God says "It's a go!".

7.) Be an inspiration to others.

When you go through a trial you will fall into one of two categories... discouraging and sad or brave and inspiring. I know we all want to be the latter, and with God's help and a whole lotta effort we can do it! You don't have to let this thing called infertility define who you are. Be better than that. That doesn't mean you can't be real with people when you're hurting or that you can't have a bad day. It doesn't mean you're super woman 100% of the time... it just means you do your best, you keep your head held high, and you don't give up. Be someone that motivates people to be thankful for what they have, because you're thankful with much less. Be THAT person. Don't settle for having to suck on a bitter lemon. Go to the grocery store, buy some sugar, and make lemonade!

My Infertility Journey : Lessons Learned

I was so moved this week after reading THIS amazing post by Jaime at Raising Up Rubies. The words she wrote were so meant for me. Jaime, if you ever read this I want to thank you for sharing your heart and for being so real. It made me want to share a little bit about how God has been working on me lately. I hope you guys don't mind.

I have been really blessed in my life. I grew up with two great parents and two super fun siblings who were (and still are) my best friends. I always had food to eat and a roof over my head. I had an amazing church family and lots of people who loved me. God always provided above and beyond. But did I take time to thank Him for those things? Did I appreciate how invaluable they were? Not really. I simply got used to the blessings and I got comfortable. It's sad that it took a really horrible trial for me to be thankful for all of those things that I thought were so small before. Now I know they were huge. I was am SO blessed. 

Infertility has been the worst and best thing that has ever happened to me. It's been the hardest time of my life, but my faith is stronger than it's ever been. Had I not been forced to endure this trial I wonder how long it would have taken me to get to this point in my spiritual life? Years? Decades? Never?

Is it weird that I'm even thankful for this season in my life? As hard as it's been I know I'm stronger for it. I can't put out the fire, but I CAN let myself be molded into something beautiful in the meantime. The alternative is sad and depressing. In the end, the phrase Jaime shared (based on Daniel 3:17-18) says it all. "And if not... He is still good". I'm thankful I'm in this place. I'm thankful for the peace I have even in the storm. I'm thankful for the lessons... no matter how hard.

Infertility Awareness

 

 

I recently saw a quote similar to this on Pinterest and since then I haven't been able to get it out of my mind. I can't tell you the number of times in a week that I am told that if I relax it will happen. Here's the thing... I know without a doubt that every person who says this to me sincerely believes it to be true. They aren't trying to be funny or mean. They are giving advice that they honestly believe to be a legitimate solution.

 

It all comes down to education. Our society hasn't wanted to talk about infertility. I am ready for that to change. That's why I'm sharing this today. It's a FACT that infertility is a major medical issue. It's not something that will go away by changing your state of mind. Infertility has nothing to do with you not trying hard enough or trying too hard. It's been proven that some people are just born with or inherit infertility just like diabetes.

 

Spread the word. Know the facts. Infertility is a disease... not a state of mind.

 

9 Things Infertile Women Want Women with Children To Know

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>>> If you are new to Lovely Little Life and haven't read my story you may want to start HERE and HERE to get a little background on me and my journey before reading this post. <<<
To all my readers, 
The same is true of this post as is always when I talk about infertility. I have chosen to share this part of my life not to complain or gain pity, but rather as an attempt to be an encouragement to others who may be going through something similar or for that matter anyone going through trials. My ultimate goal is just to give the glory to God, and try let him use me during this time of testing. Thank you so much for visiting! I sincerely pray this blog is a blessing to everyone who reads it!
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Please let me begin this conversation by saying that I mean only good to anyone reading this post. I pray that God takes my words and uses them for good and not for evil. I want you to know that the #1 reason I have chosen to share my experiences of infertility is to try to help other women who are in my shoes know they are not alone. The second reason I talk about it is so that others who want to help may be able to gain insight on what women with infertility go through day to day. I am not looking for pity however, I covet every prayer you send up for me and my husband during this time in our life.

This post has been weeks in the making. The general idea came to me out of the blue (I'm pretty sure that was God) and has gradually evolved into what I'm sharing today. These are not solely my thoughts and opinions. These are the shared feelings of women who are currently enduring infertility, those who are finally expecting after years of trying, and those who went through it in the past and are now mothers to multiple blessings. With all of that said, I apologize for the length of this post... I really did edit as much as I could! I know this is a tough subject and it may be hard to read to the end, but I hope you will feel it has been worth your time when you are done.

1.) I'll just come out and say it... we are jealous of you.

Please know that we in no way hate you for being able to bear children and would never wish this hurt we feel on our worst enemy. But there's no use in denying it... infertile women are jealous of women with children. We see the connection, the love, and the amazing bond that you have with them. We see the joy they bring to your life every day and we want that for ourselves more than anything. We would give up everything for it, spend our last dime to get it, and die to know what it's like. We aren't mad that you're happy... we just want some of that happiness too. So there... now you know. Ok, let's not kid ourselves - you already knew, but now it's out in the open so we call all stop pretending we can't see the green monsters sitting on the shoulders of all the infertiles. LOL!  :)

2.) Cards, emails, words of kindness, and caring acts are appreciated more than you know.

Infertility breeds tons of self-esteem issues, insecurity, and feelings of being on "the outside". One little handwritten note, text, or thoughtful action could make our entire week. Mother's Day is an especially hard time for women who want to, but are physically unable to become a mother. I will NEVER forget the handful of friends that sent me a message this year on that day. I went from feeling extremely depressed to feeling overwhelmingly encouraged and touched that someone was actually thinking about me and took the time to let me know. Though Mother's Day is one of the more difficult days for childless women, infertility is always looming no matter what day it is. One simple thought could brighten one of those days.

3.) Don't take it personally if we decline a baby shower invitation.

Honestly, our not being in attendance is doing everyone a favor! Seriously... do you really want us to look sad the entire time and risk a sudden outburst of tears? Nah... I think not. You're safer to accept the fact that we are truly happy for the lucky lady, but don't want to ruin her special day by being a gloomy guest.

*NOTE: Personally, I do ok at showers. However, I have talked to many ladies that don't handle these types of events as well. This point is for them.

4.) We are constantly hurting.

I'm sure that sounds like an overstatement to someone who hasn't been in our shoes. For those that have, you know EXACTLY what I mean and can probably still feel that bitter pain every time you think about that time in your life. Things the average person would never think about add to our hurt every day. Something as simple as a commercial about diapers with a baby crawling across the floor or seeing a mama out with her little ones or even just walking by the baby clothes in Target are all daily reminders of what we are missing. It feels like a huge knife is stuck in your chest and every time you are reminded of your emptiness that knife gets pushed deeper and deeper. The pain, though less intense at times, never goes away.

5.) Telling us to "just adopt" doesn't help.

Adoption will not magically erase the pain of infertility. It is definitely something that most infertile couples consider, but the desire to bear your own children won't just disappear by adopting. Then there's the money aspect. Here is my response to that... "Sure! After we have spent thousands on infertility treatments let me just pull out that extra $25k that I have stashed under my mattress and 'just' go adopt!" I won't go into greater detail about that, but financially, legally, and emotionally it's really not an easy fix as some might have been led to believe. 

6.) We still want to be friends with you even though you have kids. 

I understand it can be awkward at times. You might feel bad about inviting a couple dealing with infertility to an event involving your kids or a birthday party for a child. Yes, There are times where we will decline the invitation when we may feel emotionally unable to be in that environment, but please don't assume that we never want to attend if your kids are present. We already feel isolated because of our circumstances... please don't add to that by excluding us from your lives because you're worried about us feeling uncomfortable.

7.) Please don't give us advice on how to get pregnant. Believe me, we've already read, heard, and tried it all!

We do understand that you are sincerely trying to help, but more than likely everything you say to us we have already tried (and more!). We have heard every story, researched every option, and we really don't want to hear about how your cousin's best friend's sister-in-law knew a girl that tried such and such and magically conceived. That's great for them, but we aren't that girl and you probably don't know the details of her situation or ours. I'm sure that sounds hateful... you might be able to tell that I've heard one too many words of advice from people who have no idea what is medically wrong with me.

8.) Understand that we can't empathize with you when you complain about pregnancy or your children.

I think part of the "infertility rite of passage" is making a promise to God and/or yourself that you will TRY as hard as you can not to complain about pregnancy or your children if that day ever comes. In fact, I would wager that 99% of the women affected by infertility will know exactly what I mean when I say that hearing someone complain about morning sickness, lost sleep, or whiney kids can literally make you cringe inside. When you wait, hope, pray, and shed countless tears as we have you simply can't relate to women that take the miracles they have for granted. We would gladly trade your worst day with children for our best day without them.

*NOTE: We understand that motherhood is hard. We aren't expecting every day with children to be perfect. The point is that we can't relate to women who make a habit of complaining about something we give anything to have.

9.) We covet your prayers. 

I personally feel this is the most important thing that you can do to help and encourage us. There can never be enough prayers going up for women and couples dealing with infertility. Not sure how to pray? Pray for our emotional and physical state and for our faith in God to stay strong. We are dealing with the reality of possibly never being able to have a family, with the physical problems associated with the cause of our infertility, and are on a constant emotional roller coaster month after month as we continue to try to conceive. In addition to all of that, most infertile couples are dealing with extreme financial stress since insurance does not pay for ANYTHING related to infertility. All of those things can be taxing on our relationship with God so prayers for our spiritual well being are welcomed as well. I came across Galations 6:2 while writing this post this week. Don't you love it when God says things so simply, but perfectly?!

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this to the end. I've said it before and I'll say it again... I have the best readers! I love you guys! Thank you for making me feel comfortable enough to share my heart.

My Infertility Journey : Dealing with Emotions

Every woman is emotional. It's part of who we are... but when you add infertility and hormone medicine to the mix it's kind of scary to watch what kind of crazy feelings can just spew out at any moment. My poor husband... he doesn't know what's hit him half the time! These emotions can range anywhere from sadness, anger, denial, little to no self esteem, and more. Part of it is obviously attributed to the mental trauma of knowing that you may never bear children, but another part is completely physical. I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). The definition is literally "a hormone imbalance that causes weight gain and depression". Lovely, right?! As if being infertile weren't enough let's just add being fat and depressed to the mix. Sounds perfect! Just go ahead and pour me a double of that, please.  :)

And that's how I have to deal some days... I joke, I make fun, I laugh. Of course, I pray mostly... I know without my faith in God I wouldn't be able to have those moments of peace where I can laugh about it and know in my heart that it's gonna be ok. It probably sounds kind of awful that I'm saying I can laugh about my infertility... please know that I don't think infertility is "funny". It's not... it's horrible, but I decided a months ago that I wasn't going to let this thing define my entire life or who I am. That means at times I have to lighten up and make a joke about all of this so I don't lose my mind.

Everyone deals with negative emotions in their own way and if you're like me then you may even deal with them differently depending on the situation or day. Just know that it's ok to throw up your hands every once in awhile and say "Why I am taking this so seriously?". Some of the best advice I've received from women who have traveled the long journey of infertility and made it through the other side is this... "One day you'll wish you had worried less and laughed more." So laugh, smile, and keep going. You won't be in this stage forever.

My Infertility Journey : Recap & Diagnosis

Today's post will serve a couple of purposes. I would like to give a short summary of what has transpired over the past year for those of you that may not have read my blog from the beginnning. I also want to share what my diagnosis is and explain the details of what I am dealing with so that you will understand the process.

Exactly a year ago (May 2012), Darren and I decided we were ready to start trying to expand our family. To be honest, I was ready the day we said "I Do", but our comprimise was to wait until our 1 year wedding anniversary. We conceived fairly quickly... it was July which was only our third month of trying. We were obviously thrilled and immediately told our parents and siblings. It was all I could do not to tell EVERYONE I knew, but we had already agreed we would wait until the 2nd trimester "just in case" we were to miscarry. I never really imagined that would happen. We got our BFP (big fat positive) on August 8th. I was 5 1/2 weeks along. On August 11th the miscarriage began and on August 12th I lost my baby. I was exactly 6 weeks into the pregnancy.

Losing our baby was the hardest thing that both Darren and myself have ever went through. We held onto the hope that we would be able to conceive again quickly. My period came like the doctor predicted about 5 1/2 weeks after the miscarriage. The next cycle was longer though... it took 6 weeks to come. The next was even longer. I knew something was wrong, but my OBGYN just kept telling me to be patient, but after that month my cycles completely stopped. The doctor tested for thyroid issues, but that came back negative. She then prescribed medicine to induce a cycle and additional drugs to kick start ovulation. It didn't work. She said that she was highly doubtful that I had it, but thought she should test for PCOS just in case. PCOS stands for Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Most women with this condition are overweight and have had irregular periods. I fit neither of those criteria, but she tested anyway. Meanwhile I went on another round of the same hormone drugs as the previous cycle.

When the results came back, they were somewhat inconclusive, but my OBGYN was leaning towards the belief that I did indeed have PCOS. A couple weeks later when we found out the second round of medicine didn't work we called a specialist. He was also doubtful that I had PCOS, but ordered an ultrasound to check my ovaries as confirmation. I was in Walmart (of all places) when the nurse called with the results and confirmed that I did indeed have the condition. In her words... "Your ovaries are covered with cysts".  Fabulous. So now what?

I'm sure you're thinking "Ok, so they can remove the cysts, right?". Nope. Not these kind. They are so tiny that they are impossible to remove. Basically what they are doing is keeping my eggs from maturing and being released (ovulation) which is what normal ovaries do each month. There are some medications that help fight the cysts and induce ovulation, but they don't always work for everyone. Clomid is one of these drugs, but unfortunately it didn't have an affect on me. This next cycle we will be trying Femara.

So goes my life! I never imagined that this would happen. The biggest dream I ever had was to be a mother and knowing that I may never be able to bear my own children is crushing. I am trying to remain hopeful, but when you are in the middle of something like this it's hard to rest assured that it's all going to work out fine. I am thankful that God has given me the grace that He has thus far. Without Him I don't know how I would have been able make it past what I have already been through. 

Darren and I appreciate all of your prayers! I know there are so many of you that are lifting our names up to God on a daily basis and I am so grateful for that. I want you all to know that I'm not writing any of this to gain pity, but rather so you can know how to pray and so you can gain some insight on what goes on with women who face infertility. I want to try to be a voice for the millions of ladies that face this horrible situation. Thanks for hanging in there with me! I can't wait until the day I get to announce that God has given us a baby! That may be a miracle that He performs in me or via the institution of adoption. Regardless, I can't wait to rejoice and I hope you'll be there to celebrate with me!

My Infertility Journey : Why I'm Talking

Where to begin?! So much has happened in the last few months. So many doctor's appointments, so many emotions, so many tears... this is why I have decided to start a "series" of sorts. These blog posts will probably be uncomfortable for most people. Society is so hush hush about this subject. I suppose it's because no one really wants to talk about something so painful. It is an extremely sad topic and believe me, I remember thinking to myself in the past "Oh, I feel so sorry for that lady who can't have a baby. That would be so horrible. I can't imagine not being able to have children." I never knew what to say to those women. That's why I think we need to talk about it. I think it is important for people to try to understand and be informed about this topic so that they will know what to say and how they can help someone who is trying to cope with infertility.

The second reason for these posts will be purely therapuetic for me. I need to talk about it. I don't want to be secretive about what I'm going through and I don't want to have to put on a brave face 100% of the time. I don't want to try to hide the fact that I'm hurting and I need all the prayer and support I can get. If you can handle it I would love for you to join me on my journey and be there to cheer me on! Moral support is so much more helpful than you can imagine.

I have already been so blessed to have some amazing women in my life that understand exactly what I am feeling. God has used them to help me stay strong throughout the past year. I am so thankful for them... you know who you are, ladies!

Don't worry, I won't overwhelm you with depressing "infertile myrtle" posts! Right now I plan to talk about it once a week. I still want this to be a happy, crafty blog so don't worry about it being all gloomy from here on out! Infertility is just something I am going through... it's not going to define my life or steal my joy. I would love to hear what you think about this new series of posts. If you have any questions or topics you would like to see please let me know! Tata for now!

 

Learning Through Loss

Today’s post is going to be longer than normal, but please bear with me. This comes from my heart and everything I am sharing today is important. I promise it will be worth your time.

It’s a common occurrence according to the statistics. 25% of all pregnancies will result in this. There are about 4.4 million confirmed pregnancies in the USA alone every year. That means about 1 million of those pregnancies will end this way…. EVERY YEAR. So did it cross my mind before it happened? Definitely. Did that better prepare me for it to happen? Mentally… yes. Emotionally… not in the least.

MISCARRIAGE. It almost sounds like a dirty word doesn’t it? No one wants to say it or think about it happening. But it does. This isn’t something I ever wanted to have to talk about. I still don’t. But I feel compelled. I hope that through doing so that I can help someone else.

Darren and I had been trying to conceive for a couple months. At the end of July, I started to have the feeling that I was pregnant, and on August 8, 2012 we saw the 2 pink lines we’d been waiting and praying for. I took the test in the middle of the night because I had to go to the bathroom. I was so excited that I ran into the bedroom crying and woke Darren up to tell him. He thought something was wrong because I was acting so crazy, but once he figured out what I was saying he was equally happy. I couldn’t wait to tell EVERYONE we knew, but I was only 6 weeks along and I had always told myself that I would wait until after the first trimester to tell the whole world….. “just in case” something were to happen. We called our family though and told them. Both sets of parents were going to be first time grandparents. Both were ecstatic. That was on Wednesday.

On Saturday, I was getting ready to leave the house to go to a wedding. It was a beautiful day. I went to the bank that morning and spilled the beans to a very pregnant teller. I just couldn’t help it. Not an hour later, I started to bleed. I was scared, but I hoped it was nothing. This can be totally normal during early pregnancy. I felt horrible, but I went to the wedding and tried to forget what was happening. I hoped it would just stop.

It didn’t though. On Sunday, August 12, 2012, we lost our baby. For the first couple of days I was in shock. I didn’t cry much and I didn’t really feel anything except numbness. It really started to sink in a couple days after it happened. When I did start to feel emotion it was the worst kind. It was just emptiness. Darren doesn’t express himself much, but he told me that he felt like he went from the happiest he has ever been to the saddest he has ever been. He said he felt like there was a big hole in the middle of his stomach. Those are both pretty accurate descriptions.

I will never know why this happened. Why do bad things ever happen to good people? It doesn’t make sense and it’s not fair. How can some people have children with no problems and others are unable to or suffer a loss? I could ask this question till the end of time and I would never get an answer. Life doesn’t work that way. We don’t always understand. What we CAN do is try to learn from our situations and let them make us stronger. I want to share what I have learned from this so far.

Trust God. That is really all you can do in a situation like this. You just have to trust that there was a reason that it happened. Maybe by going through this, I will be able to help someone else someday. I really don’t know… but I just have to trust that He let me go through this for a reason.

It is an honor and a privilege to be blessed enough to conceive and bear children. I already knew this before my miscarriage, but I realize it even more now. So many people take for granted that they are able to have children. They complain the entire time they are pregnant, they complain after the baby is born about not getting enough sleep, they complain when the terrible two’s arrive, etc... What they don’t realize is that there are probably thousands and thousands of women that would do anything to be able to get morning sickness and throw up. I’m serious! It’s so true. When I lost my baby that was something that really hit me hard. The nausea disappeared. It reinforced it in my mind that the baby was gone. I would have done anything for the sick to my stomach feeling to come back. Don’t ever take that for granted.

Good friends and family are invaluable. I would not be doing as well as I am right now if it weren’t for the people that Darren and I have surrounded ourselves with. Our families have been very sweet during this time. My brother was especially worried for me….. he kept calling and texting me to make sure I was ok. There was nothing he could do to make it better, but it was so good to know that he was there for me. I am so glad that we have the friends and family that we do and that they have been so supportive during this time.

You have to choose to let things make you a better person. I could be bitter, angry, and hateful right now. I have every right to be. But that’s not going to help. So I have chosen to let this mold me into someone stronger and wiser than I was before it happened. Yes, I’m still extremely sad. I will be sad for a long time. But I am determined to use that sadness to make me a more compassionate person. Don’t let a bad thing that you couldn’t prevent ruin the rest of your life. Let it teach you something and grow from it.  

My prayer is that none of you ever have to go through this situation, however we all know that the odds are against that and even if you don’t experience this particular scenario you are going to face some sort of obstacle similar to this at some point in your life. Please don’t let it make you bitter or angry or stop trusting God.

So yes, I have and am learning from this trial; however I am still experiencing my ups and downs. One day I’ll be living every word of the advice above and the next I’ll be moping on the couch all day with a carton of Mint Chocolate Brownie Chunk ice cream. The pain is still there and I am reminded of my loss every day. Nothing anyone can say or do will make it better. I just have to choose to remind myself again and again that God has a plan.

I hope that my candor about this situation will encourage or help you in some way. I felt moved to share my story and I know it was for a reason. Darren and I appreciate all of your prayers that we can make it through this and that God will bless us with another baby someday. We are trusting that He will. Love you all!

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PS –

Just thought I would include this little bit in case you are wondering what you can do or say for someone experiencing a miscarriage. Here are some quick Do’s and Don’ts:

DO:

Do say “I’m so sorry”. That is really the only thing that will help.

Do say “I’m here if you want to talk” (and mean it).

Do say “Are you doing ok?” (and listen for the answer).

Most importantly, do pray for them.

DON’T:

Don’t say “At least you didn’t lose a ‘real’ kid” (meaning later in the child’s life). That doesn’t help. You think I’m kidding? Someone actually said that to Darren.

Don’t say “My friend had a miscarriage once…. she never was able to have kids after that”. I know you are trying to relate to the situation, but please relate inside your head and not to me.

Don’t say “Don’t worry you’ll get pregnant again and everything will be fine”. That is what we are hoping for, but you don’t know that it will happen.

Don’t say “I understand” if you haven’t gone through it.

In other words…. don’t say whatever pops into your head. Think before you speak.