Today's post will serve a couple of purposes. I would like to give a short summary of what has transpired over the past year for those of you that may not have read my blog from the beginnning. I also want to share what my diagnosis is and explain the details of what I am dealing with so that you will understand the process.
Exactly a year ago (May 2012), Darren and I decided we were ready to start trying to expand our family. To be honest, I was ready the day we said "I Do", but our comprimise was to wait until our 1 year wedding anniversary. We conceived fairly quickly... it was July which was only our third month of trying. We were obviously thrilled and immediately told our parents and siblings. It was all I could do not to tell EVERYONE I knew, but we had already agreed we would wait until the 2nd trimester "just in case" we were to miscarry. I never really imagined that would happen. We got our BFP (big fat positive) on August 8th. I was 5 1/2 weeks along. On August 11th the miscarriage began and on August 12th I lost my baby. I was exactly 6 weeks into the pregnancy.
Losing our baby was the hardest thing that both Darren and myself have ever went through. We held onto the hope that we would be able to conceive again quickly. My period came like the doctor predicted about 5 1/2 weeks after the miscarriage. The next cycle was longer though... it took 6 weeks to come. The next was even longer. I knew something was wrong, but my OBGYN just kept telling me to be patient, but after that month my cycles completely stopped. The doctor tested for thyroid issues, but that came back negative. She then prescribed medicine to induce a cycle and additional drugs to kick start ovulation. It didn't work. She said that she was highly doubtful that I had it, but thought she should test for PCOS just in case. PCOS stands for Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Most women with this condition are overweight and have had irregular periods. I fit neither of those criteria, but she tested anyway. Meanwhile I went on another round of the same hormone drugs as the previous cycle.
When the results came back, they were somewhat inconclusive, but my OBGYN was leaning towards the belief that I did indeed have PCOS. A couple weeks later when we found out the second round of medicine didn't work we called a specialist. He was also doubtful that I had PCOS, but ordered an ultrasound to check my ovaries as confirmation. I was in Walmart (of all places) when the nurse called with the results and confirmed that I did indeed have the condition. In her words... "Your ovaries are covered with cysts". Fabulous. So now what?
I'm sure you're thinking "Ok, so they can remove the cysts, right?". Nope. Not these kind. They are so tiny that they are impossible to remove. Basically what they are doing is keeping my eggs from maturing and being released (ovulation) which is what normal ovaries do each month. There are some medications that help fight the cysts and induce ovulation, but they don't always work for everyone. Clomid is one of these drugs, but unfortunately it didn't have an affect on me. This next cycle we will be trying Femara.
So goes my life! I never imagined that this would happen. The biggest dream I ever had was to be a mother and knowing that I may never be able to bear my own children is crushing. I am trying to remain hopeful, but when you are in the middle of something like this it's hard to rest assured that it's all going to work out fine. I am thankful that God has given me the grace that He has thus far. Without Him I don't know how I would have been able make it past what I have already been through.
Darren and I appreciate all of your prayers! I know there are so many of you that are lifting our names up to God on a daily basis and I am so grateful for that. I want you all to know that I'm not writing any of this to gain pity, but rather so you can know how to pray and so you can gain some insight on what goes on with women who face infertility. I want to try to be a voice for the millions of ladies that face this horrible situation. Thanks for hanging in there with me! I can't wait until the day I get to announce that God has given us a baby! That may be a miracle that He performs in me or via the institution of adoption. Regardless, I can't wait to rejoice and I hope you'll be there to celebrate with me!
Definately praying for you. I had a miscarriage exactly 2 years 5 months 3 weeks and 2 days ago. The most painful thing is to lose a child you wanted more than anything. Alot of people do not like talking about miscarriage, like me, because still, even though its been a couple years, it is still just as painful as the day I found out I lost MY baby. I pray that God will grant your wishes and prayers. I am glad to see that you can share with everyone, and help all of us who know what you are going through.
ReplyDeleteMuch love to you girl! There was a time that we didn't think we'd be having biological children. It broke my heart. A miracle did happen for us, when we learned that we could try for pregnancy, but then it took a year and a half to conceive and my heart broke again. I know the discouragement and sadness when you want more than anything to become a mother and it seems out of your grasp. My mom-in-law wrote me a card with Psalm 113:9 written inside - "He settles the childless woman in her home, as a happy mother of children." I didn't know how it could ever be, but I clung to it as my "someday." Now my house is bursting with three. I'm so sorry for your loss and that you find yourself on the infertility road. Hold on to hope!
ReplyDeleteI am praising God in advance... Our God is a mighty God.......... This is where we let go and let God... It's a lesson I'm still learning.... God is in the miracle business...
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you are going through. I found out I had PCOS when I was 19. I thought I would never have s baby. I went through 3 miscarriages, one was when I was 6 months along. I met my husband and we had been only been dating for a few months when I got pregnant. Today I have a little girl that is turning 7 next month. I know it is hard now, but never give up hope. Keep your chin up and pray. Sending positive thoughts your way.
ReplyDeletePraying for you! I never understand why things happen the way they do. Praying for a little miracle to come your way!!
ReplyDeleteStumbled upon this post by the grace of God. Prayers sent up for you and your husband. I have PCOS and a seizure disorder and hope to one day have a child as well. I know it may be difficult but I want to try and hopefully God will be with me for the journey and gift me with a little one as well.
ReplyDeleteHey Hannah,
ReplyDeleteI have never doubted the power of God, but there are certain times in my life where God has shown his presence in my life so intensely, so obviously, so strongly that I truly wonder how some people don't believe. I really believe that finding your blog, as stupid as this is going to sound, is one of those times.
I am 26 years old, my husband is 29. We have been together for 6 years. After trying naturally for 2 years my husband and I just decided to see a specialist and it turns out that I was diagnosed with PCOS just like you. I got my diagnosis exactly 4 days ago and I never expected to react the way that I did. I've only shared this with my closest family, and they all love me so deeply that they are constantly showering me with positivity and good thoughts. While I know I am blessed to have them, if I hear "just don't stress about it, miracles happen every day" again... I might just explode. I find myself constantly trapped under a disguise that I have to wear to keep everyone around me afloat. I have to keep a brave and positive face on because the moment I don't there everyone is trying to make me feel better. I know it must sound terrible, that I am complaining that people love me so much. But I truly had been searching ever since I got my diagnoses, for an outlet for all this pain and all these emotions I have inside that I can't show. I had been searching for something or someone with whom I can actually sympathize, who shared my fears, my sadness, my pain.
I just wanted to tell you how meaningful your writing is, and how much comfort it has brought me to find someone who like me, isn't looking for attention or pity, but just to talk about it. I don't know exactly what tomorrow will bring, as far as how I will feel about this. Its something that changes every day. Some days I wake up feeling full of energy and good thoughts, others I feel like being in bed all day. But I wanted to let you know I will be following your blog because at a time when I feel so crowded and yet so alone, your blog has made me feel like maybe I am not all alone after all.
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.