>>> If you are new to Lovely Little Life and haven't read my story you may want to start HERE to get a little background on me and my journey before reading this post. <<<
To all my readers,
The same is true of this post as is always when I talk about infertility. I have chosen to share this part of my life not to complain or gain pity, but rather as an attempt to be an encouragement to others who may be going through something similar or for that matter anyone going through trials. My ultimate goal is just to give the glory to God, and try let him use me during this time of testing. Thank you so much for visiting! I sincerely pray this blog is a blessing to everyone who reads it!
The Sunday before this past Thanksgiving our pastor opened the Bible to I Thessalonians 5:18. It's a verse I've heard at least a hundred times... it says "In everything give thanks." Our pastor started to talk about how the everything in this verse literally means everything...including trials & hardships in our lives. I had been going through the worst trial of my life for the last 16 months, and by God's grace I had finally made it to the point where I was thankful for it. Every word he said made sense to me. I was at peace with the fact that my life was going nothing like I planned, but that God was in control. During the invitation I bowed and prayed this prayer. "God, thank you for the past year and a half. I know you're in control and that you're doing what's best for me. No matter what happens I am going to be thankful. Whether you give us a baby or not, I will trust you." The next part of my prayer was even more specific. "God, if I am pregnant right now please take care of my baby. Please let me carry it full term. Please don't let me lose it, but God, if I AM pregnant and I DO lose the baby I'll still be thankful." I stood up, dried my eyes, and felt at peace.
The next morning, I took a pregnancy test before leaving to spend a week in Virginia with my family for Thanksgiving. Neither Darren or I expected it to be positive. Since my periods are so sporadic I take pregnancy tests often... they are always negative. Except this test wasn't. I was pregnant!
There are no words to describe the feelings that followed that moment. The joy in my heart and gratitude I felt towards God consumed me. We immediately got on our knees and tearfully thanked Him for the life inside me and prayed that He would keep it safe. After we prayed, I had total peace and felt like God had finally blessed us for being faithful to Him during this time in our lives. My husband was struggling... he was worried about the baby. I kept pushing him to trust the Lord. I kept telling him that God had given us this baby and that He would take care of it.
We shared the news with my family once we made it to Virginia. There were tears of happiness... everyone was overjoyed! Darren bought a video camera on Black Friday to give to me at Christmas, but ended up giving it to me early so we could have it at the first ultrasound. When we got back to Indiana we used it to film his parents as we told them the news. That Sunday (the weekend after Thanksgiving) we shared our blessing with our pastor and asked him to pray with us. After talking with him Darren was able to let go of a lot of his worry and was at peace. We were both so in love with our baby... our hearts were full.
And then like that our world changed... again. Sunday night I started to bleed. I had been here before. I knew it was over.
I'm not going to try to describe what happened after that. Most will never be able to understand the grief we felt in that moment. It had been 16 months since our last pregnancy/miscarriage. We had given so much to create that little life. We had spent thousands of dollars on treatment, I had put my body through all sorts of medical procedures, we had sent up countless prayers, and had finally come to peace with it all. It was worth every penny, every tear, and every ounce of pain knowing we would finally hold a baby in our arms. And then... this???
Within hours of realizing our baby was gone, I remembered the prayer I prayed exactly a week before. You know... the one where I asked God to keep our baby safe, but that even if we lost it I would still be thankful? Yeah... that one. When I prayed that prayer, I thought I understood what it meant to be thankful in everything. I thought that message was meant for the trial that I was in at the time. I had no idea it was meant for this. I had no idea how much would happen in that week. But God did. He knew what I would need to get me through.
Looking back on the past month and a half, I'm thankful for His never ending grace. I'm thankful that no matter how bad it hurts, He won't let me be angry, He won't let me forget what I prayed, and He won't let me give up. There is nothing that can replace the trust I have in Him or the peace He has given me throughout the last year & a half. I don't understand why, and I'm not really ok, but I don't have to do this alone. For THAT I am thankful.